My Battle with Self Love

My insecurities are showing through. The habit of looking in the mirror and being disgusted with the girl looking back is here once again. The negative thoughts that plague me are running through my head at lightning speed. I’ve always struggled with major insecurity. The constant feeling of never being good enough. The constant feeling of always being second, third, or fourth best. The comparison between me and them is ever prominent. It’s almost like there is another voice inside of me that drowns out my own.

“You’re not good enough.”

“You could never do that.”

“Of course you messed up, you never get anything right.”

I try to replace the negative with the positive, but to no avail. The thing is, I’m not comparing myself physically. I am ok with the way I am on the outside. My problem is with my inside self. Many days I am not satisfied with the girl on the inside. I have so many demons that I need to put to rest. There are so many mistakes that I’ve made that I can’t seem to let go. My mind and soul suffer. There is a void inside of me that I can’t seem to fill.

Sometimes I try to fill the void with material things. Sometimes I try to fill the void with other people. I have this false sense of security in other people. I somehow think that if I surround myself with others then the void will be filled. Perhaps being the funniest in the group, being the most liked in the group will give me some sort of gratification for myself. Some sort of false and temporary love for the girl inside. But other times, I realize…

This void has to be filled by me. No amount of attention from others will fill the void. I can’t look for a sense of security from other people. Nobody can give me self love. Self love has to come from me. I come to realize that I am my own enemy, my biggest supporter, and my best friend. I can make myself, or I can break myself. Lately, I’ve been my own enemy. I feed the negative thoughts. I’ve learned how to be negative. I am the one holding myself back. But, habits are hard to break. If I can start little by little and replace one negative thought with a positive one, that’s a start. If I can build myself up, instead of tearing myself down, that’s a start. I know I can do it. I know I can live a more positive life. It will take time. I have to appreciate myself. I have to practice self love, instead of self hatred.

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Tonight’s Drive

The drive home tonight was particularly numbing. The cars passed me in a blur as I reflected on all of the sins I’ve committed this week. Honestly, these couple of days haven’t exactly been in my favor. Well, this past month hasn’t exactly been in my favor. Sometimes I felt as if I couldn’t even face myself in the mirror, I didn’t recognize the girl that was staring back at me.

It was raining earlier and the wet, gloomy weather carried on into the night. Usually, the radio brings me comfort, but not tonight. The music that usually trickles and flows with a steady rhythm seemed annoying, and struck a nerve inside of me. There was a certain loneliness that I felt. It was the type of loneliness that no one can fill, and it felt like I can’t even fill it. I wanted some comfort and escape from these feelings that I was having. I needed some comfort because the negative thoughts and feelings I was having were killing me slowly. They were going through me like a poison.

Those thoughts are still killing me slowly. It feels a little overwhelming to say the least. I’m hoping as the night wears on, things will get better. Tomorrow is a new day…………

Goodnight.

Hello!

It seems that I got the bright idea to start a blog. Th sole purpose of this blog is to give a slice of life through my eyes. I started it to also express my feelings, and just to write. I enjoy writing (even though I’m not too good) but I find it much easier to write down my feelings instead of speaking. It’s very relaxing. I guess you could say this blog will be sort of like a diary!

Anyway, I hope whoever stumbles across my blog enjoys it. I hope my writings and thoughts are nice to read and relatable. I promise I have more posts to come. 🙂