Alive

I am alive, I am alive

Don’t I feel the wind in my hair?

the sunlight on my skin

Don’t I see the way the earth envelopes me?

The wet grass on my feet

the bee that flies around me

All offer some sort of warmth because

My soul has grown cold

and my heart has grown heavy.

My mind has become clouded

And I am nothing  but angry.

Save me from myself

Because I am my own worst enemy.

Where are the tears that constantly stream down

my eyes?

Each one is a little reminder.

“Stop crying stop crying!”

I tell myself constantly.

What good will crying do?

Puffy cheeks and red eyes are all I see in my reflection

 As I try to comfort and remind myself that

I am alive, I am alive

 

 

Girl with an afro

I’m just another girl with an afro.

“Why don’t you comb it?” “Why did you decide to cut all of that long, pretty, straight hair off?” “Why would you want to look like that?”

Who would’ve thought there’d be so much criticism for wearing my hair the way it comes out of my head? I celebrate my hair and all of its kinks and coils. Why would I want to hide it? But, I’m just another girl with an afro.

I celebrate my hair, why can’t you? The snarky comments and the negativity are not needed. Your dirty looks and crassness are not warranted. I wish your opinion of my hair was asked for. Perhaps then your opinion would be valued.

But, I am just another girl with an afro.

 

Ashes

The ashes are still fresh. There’s a cigarette that’s barely lit, smoke gracefully flowing through the air. My heart tells me you stayed. But, my mind knows better. I roll over, and all I see is your indent. The place where your body once was.

You left not too long ago.

I can’t help  but clutch your pillow, the smell of you is still there. It’s intoxicating, it’s nauseating. The sheets are a tangled mess among me, and so are my emotions. You have me and my body wrapped around your finger. You have a piece of my heart. You have left an imprint on my soul. My mind wanders back to last night as the warm tears stream down my eyes.

The way your fingers glided across me felt like electricity. The glisten in your eyes gave me a high. The way you spoke to me made my skin shiver. You have me mesmorized. You have my every move calculated.

The morning after leaves me bitter. That joyous ecstasy is gone. The high is no more. The crash is unbearable. The hurt has rattled me to my bones. Every being of me is in unbearable pain.

I stumble to the bathroom, utterly terrified to look at my reflection. The harsh, artificial light paints a horrible picture all over my face. I am disgusted with myself. How could I let you do this to me again? How could I believe all of those hollow words all over? The girl looking back at me is disappointed. I repeatedly get my heart ripped out by you like clockwork. It’s a never ending cycle of joy and pain. I love you, I do. But I also despise you.

I try to get myself together for the day ahead of me. I clean up the running, black mascara. My cheeks are puffy, and red from the leftover blush. My lipstick is long gone. I fix my matted afro just as the phone rings.

It’s you again.

Asking if I want a repeat of last night. You say you enjoyed yourself. The words that come out of your mouth sound like a beautiful poem. They are a melody. They ring throughout my ear and bounce around in my mind. An excitement comes over me. My mind tells me no, but I hear myself say yes.

I know I will regret this. It’ll be another morning of tears, anger, and regret.

But, there’s something in me that can’t stop making a deal with the devil.

Tonight’s Drive

The drive home tonight was particularly numbing. The cars passed me in a blur as I reflected on all of the sins I’ve committed this week. Honestly, these couple of days haven’t exactly been in my favor. Well, this past month hasn’t exactly been in my favor. Sometimes I felt as if I couldn’t even face myself in the mirror, I didn’t recognize the girl that was staring back at me.

It was raining earlier and the wet, gloomy weather carried on into the night. Usually, the radio brings me comfort, but not tonight. The music that usually trickles and flows with a steady rhythm seemed annoying, and struck a nerve inside of me. There was a certain loneliness that I felt. It was the type of loneliness that no one can fill, and it felt like I can’t even fill it. I wanted some comfort and escape from these feelings that I was having. I needed some comfort because the negative thoughts and feelings I was having were killing me slowly. They were going through me like a poison.

Those thoughts are still killing me slowly. It feels a little overwhelming to say the least. I’m hoping as the night wears on, things will get better. Tomorrow is a new day…………

Goodnight.