Aside

I Am Free

I am nothing but a soul trying to find peace
I have been beaten down to no return.
My mind is fragile, my confidence scarred
Think positive, but all I produce is negative
I feel as if I wander looking for something
Something that I cannot find
I search I search I search
I crawl, I walk, I run
Happiness, I guess that’s what I’m searching for
Or maybe it’s peace,
Hope, Or love
Love for myself once again
Love for me and my being.
I am locked. Trapped like an animal.
I try to claw my way out
But instead I end up being buried alive
I am suffocating.
It is debilitating, crushing.
Why oh why did this happen to me?
I suppose it was just a twist of fate.
If only I could see a little light
And breathe a little bit of fresh air
Maybe then this feeling will wash away
And I can finally say

I am free.

Daddy

hey daddy. It’s me, olivia. You know, your youngest daughter. Do you remember?

I can tell it takes you a minute to recognize me. Well, I go to MC now. I’m a junior and an english literature major. Do you remember when I told you that?

I’ve missed you so much, daddy. I hope that you have missed me, too. The smallest things make me think of you and our memories. Oh please daddy say you remember.

you’ve changed. You’re a different person now. You still have the same gentle soul, but now you possess a broken mind. What happened, daddy?

Do you remember yourself before we were told you have early on set dementia? Do you remember when you taught me how to ride a bike? Do you remember when you helped me with my science projects? Do you remember my high school gradation? Daddy, please remember.

It breaks my heart to see you live like this. In a constant state of inner turmoil and confusion.

But daddy sometimes you show flickers of who you used to be. Sometimes you are who you were.. But only for a few seconds. I wish that those times would last forever. Daddy, I know you’re still here. Are the memories tucked away somewhere?

You speak and try to make conversation. Your words are jumbled and you now have a stutter. Sometimes I wish that I could just grab you and shake you so you would be back to normal!

Daddy! Daddy! Why did this have to happen to you?

Some days feel so hard daddy. Some days it feels like I just can’t do it anymore. Can you hear me daddy? Will you remember what I’m saying?

Please, if you don’t remember anything else, just remember that I love you.

And I know you love me to

My Reality vs My Story

I’ve always been a dreamer. I would create these worlds in my head that were highly detailed. There were different characters, and different situations. Usually these dreams would reflect how I wished my life would be. I’m sure everyone does this to a certain point. But for me I wouldn’t just imagine these dreams in my head. There would be so many nights when I would be alone in my room acting out these scenarios. I would laugh and cry on cue. I wasn’t Olivia anymore. I was whatever character my dream would require me to be. It was a way for me to become whatever I wanted to be. It was a way for me to distance my own self from my problems, and my life. But, the lines between my fantasy and my reality began to cross. I would find myself being excited to act out my story (that’s what I used to call it). I would rush to my room and just begin acting out the scene I had in my head. I did begin to pull away from my friends. My story became my life. It was all I needed. I could escape reality for however long I wanted to. It began to turn unhealthy, though. Now, I almost use it as a coping mechanism. If things are going awry in my life, I’ll retreat back into my story. It’s my security blanket. The characters and the life I have created mean something to me. But, I feel that I need to let it go. It’s a way for me to avoid my problems instead of facing them head on. My twisted logic is that I have my story so reality doesn’t matter. My story begins to become my reality. The essence of my characters and the real true me are hard to decipher. But, every time I think of letting of my story it brings me deep sadness. I always think that I’ll have nothing to fall back on when things aren’t going the way I want them to in my real life.

I’ve been searching for other outlets to rely on instead of escaping from reality in such a harsh manner. Maybe acting or writing more or painting. But, I haven’t found anything that gives me as much comfort and satisfaction as creating my story.

Tonight’s Nostalgia

There’s a certain nostalgic feeling that I get at this time of night. I’m not quite sure what brings it on. Although I try not to dig too deep into the reasoning. When it comes, I just enjoy it. The soulful voice of Amy Winehouse is very calming for me. The past few weeks have been interesting, and it’s nice to have a little moment of complete calm. For a little it seemed that everything in my life was in complete turmoil and falling apart. It felt like there would never be a way out. However, things have changed. I won’t say that the clouds have completely cleared away, but the sunshine is peaking through. Even so, I can’t believe that February has come and is almost gone.

As I sit here I can’t help but think about the people of my past. The many personalities that I’ve gotten to know, but eventually things just fall away. Perhaps we outgrow each other. In fact, as I walk around campus I occasionally see some old best friends. Sometimes we say hello and sometimes we do not. But, it’s crazy because I find myself reminiscence of past times. During those times we were inseparable. We knew each other like the back of our hands. The world was ours and there were endless possibilities for us. We made promises to always be together because we were best friends. Little did we know, a few years from then we would never even know each anymore. Now, we are virtual strangers to each other. You would never know we were ever friends at all. Sometimes it gets me a little sad. But, a part of me knows that it will never be the same. We have grown and evolved into different people. Different interests, different pursuits, different lives. But, what causes you to grow apart? It’s a gradual thing, I suppose. You just stop talking, and before you realize it… The friendship is gone. But, you never know. Life has a way of rekindling things. Perhaps we’ll cross each other’s paths again. Perhaps not.

I think of my past life lightly. I try not to analyze it. I try not to find reasoning and I don’t question it. I was a different person. My mind has changed, my outlook on life has changed. My outlook on myself has changed. I’ve lost some friends and I’ve gained some. But, the most important friend that I’ve gained is myself…

Well, that grand feeling of nostalgia has been replaced with a feeling of sleepiness. My eyes are getting increasingly heavy. My mind is getting quieter. I guess I’ll finish tonight with a little Back to Black.

Goodnight everyone